As parents, we always want what is best for our kids, but sometimes we tend to live a bit too vicariously through our kids and tend to get too wrapped up in the here and now rather than keep things in perspective!

I was reading my son’s USA Hockey magazine this week and this Hockey Lesson really hit home!

As coaches, we spend a lot of time working on the positives with the kids, just to have it unraveled by their parents. Just last night I was coaching at the gym and I noticed a parent in the bleachers waving wildly at his daughter. Rather than looking to her coach for corrections after each turn, the child immediately looked to the bleachers for her father’s response. Now how is that father going to know what correction the coach wanted the child to have?

I have witnessed poor sports parents in every youth sporting event I have ever gone to. No sport or activity seems to be immune. If parents want to really help their children succeed at sports, they need to take a step back and put youth sports into perspective! Youth sports is:

• Only a game
• A healthy outlet for energy
• The pathway to a life of fitness
• An opportunity for kids to make new friends
• An opportunity for kids to learn teamwork
• A way for kids to learn that winning isn’t everything
• A way for kids to learn lots of other great life lessons

Ask yourself, are you setting a good example for your child? Are you keeping it in perspective?

If you have a child on a sports team, chances are they are an average athlete - after all, the stars are few and far between. Every team is made up of more average athletes than it is stars, yet so much self worth of parents and athletes is caught up in the star mentality.

When Tom Burgdorf’s Parenting an Athlete newsletter showed up in my inbox this morning, his first message really struck a chord with me:

Teams will always be comprised of athletes who are different. Teams will always have “stars”, “athletes with a little less of everything” and “athletes with even less of everything.” That is the way it has been, is now and will be in the future. The kids had better learn about it and get used to it.

They are going to be faced with the same situation in EVERY aspect of their life where there is a group. Middle school, high school, college, sports, business, relationships, everything. We can’t all be stars in everything we do. To learn that you are talented in some things and that others are more talented in other areas is a huge life lesson.

Another life lesson is to not avoid the areas that you are not a “super star” in. I see too many situations where an athlete is pulled out when they show average ability rather than “star” ability. I also see many people with the attitude that if their child isn’t a star then it is a negative situation. I don’t believe that.

I think we are building a well rounded young adult who should work hard in areas that may not be their “star” areas. I also think that these kids are being cheated when they aren’t being told that maybe others are better than they are. There is nothing wrong with that. These kids are resilient and they can take the truth. We don’t build confidence in ourselves by having to be the “star” in everything we do.

A team is great because of a lot of people, not just the “stars.”

And if the kids are going to give up because things aren’t “easy” for them, wow.

One of the reasons this was very relevant to me this week is that I am a parent of an average athlete, but I am also the coach of many average athletes and some stars, too.

Parenting my average athlete can be complicated. She is very comfortable with me watching her competitions because she knows that I am not a bit concerned with how she finishes in comparison with the others, but that I am more proud of her for reaching her own personal goals one at a time. I have invested a lot of time trying to teach her about her strengths and how those things help her team.

However, my daughter does not want her Dad, Grandparents, or other close friends and family to come to her competitions. For the past few months I have really been trying to get to the bottom of her reasoning on this.

Last night on the way home from the competition it finally came out. She does not want them to watch her because she is afraid that they will figure out that she is not the “star”. WOW! Talk about being hard on yourself. I then had to explain that her relatives don’t judge her based on her placement at a competition, rather they want to see her perform and celebrate her hard work. I’m not sure where she ever got that thought, but it is one I want to set straight now.

When it comes to the girls I coach, I do my best to treat them all with respect and fairness. I also go out of my way to help them discover their strengths and weaknesses. Through this discovery they learn that they have strengths to contribute to the team and that working on their weaknesses can be very rewarding.

Tom Burgdorf is a well respected lecturer/clinician for USA Gymnastics as well as a former gymnastics club owner and head coach. He is also the author of my favorite weekly newsletter on parenting athletes. Tom has agreed to allow me to share some of his content with my audience each week. Each Monday when Tom’s newsletter arrives in my inbox, I will select a portion of the newsletter to share with you and add my two cents worth on.

Today Tom’s newsletter featured the following piece on pushing the limits. In today’s world, there is so much focus on “everyone is a winner” and “no one getting left behind” that so much personal motivation is just lost.

Tom says:

How Do They Get Better If We Don’t Stretch The Limits?

Enough of this “we don’t want to push them too much.” Enough of this “we don’t want them to fail and feel bad.” Enough of this sitting on the couch and being mediocre. Do we really believe that being mediocre is going to make out children happy young adults? I think being happy starts with being happy with who you are.

How can our kids get better at things unless we teach them to strive for more. I don’t mean spend 24 hours a day “wanting more” but we learn more by seeking. We get to be better athletes by not being satisfied with who and what we are today, looking for ways to get better and then sweating. What in the world is wrong with that?

“Oh, my child can’t feel frustrated.” “Oh, my child needs to be successful in everything they do.” “Oh, I am afraid to have my child try too hard because they might not be successful and they will be scarred for life.” Guess what kind of child you are going to have if you feel that way?

Children should learn through trial and error, and success, rather than waiting for things to happen. I want aggressive children out there making a way for themselves. I want well adjusted kids out there who are used to falling down but find that getting up is pretty cool. I want kids out there who are not afraid to challenge themselves because they believe in their talents and their decision making. I want kids who have learned to have self confidence because they were successful a lot of times when they were challenged.

I want a lot. Do you?

My Take:

Getting our kids involved in sports is just one of the ways we as parents can help push our children to succeed. No, I am not talking about becoming helicopter parents, I am talking about giving children the opportunity to experience winning and losing, making mistakes and learning from them, working at something until you get it, experiencing success, failure and mediocrity - all in the same week.

Sports help kids develop life skills in a fun, healthy environment. It can also help them develop a healthier outlook on life in general.

Get the full edition of this week’s newsletter and subscribe to future issues of Tom’s Parenting an Athlete newsletter by visiting his site - Gymnetsports.